Halloween is right around the corner! No costume? No problem. Classical Conditioning is here to help — complete with mediocre Photoshopping and some horrible, horrible puns.
1. Bach to the Future
You will need: An orange vest; a fancy wristwatch; a powdered wig; fourteen children and a penchant for counterpoint.
2. Rite of Spring Break
You will need: Sunglasses; a bathing suit; your favorite weapon to bring to a music-incited riot (suggestions: frying pan, pitchfork).
3. Hector Berli-O’s
You will need: A cereal bowl; a spoon; a 19th-century French overcoat; plenty of opium.
4. Mozar-ella Cheese
You will need: An apron; a chef’s hat; a pizza box; a powdered wig; a pauper’s grave.
(Shout-out to my roommate for this one!)
5. Hildegard-ians of the Galaxy
You will need: A nun’s habit; green face paint; a toy raccoon; intergalactic weaponry; divine hallucinatory visions.
(See also: Hildegard von Bangin’)
6. Serial(ism) Killer
You will need: A plain T-shirt and a fabric marker (to draw a twelve-tone matrix); fake blood; a fake knife; a hockey mask; a superior intellect.
7. Baroque Ornaments
You will need: Dark green clothing; tinsel; Christmas ornaments and a Sharpie (to draw trills, mordants, appoggiaturas, etc.). Bonus points if you go around telling other people that their costumes aren’t historically accurate.